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Introduction from the book:
Welcome to When Falls
the Coliseum: a journal of American culture (or lack thereof). This
book can best be described as a conversation about America. A sometimes
loud conversation. An often funny one. And, some might be bold enough to
suggest, an important one. We are not that bold. It would be pretentious
to claim that this conversation is the voice of America. It would also be
inaccurate, implying that America speaks with one voice. The writers of
When Falls the Coliseum certainly do not. The disclaimer, “Opinions
expressed herein do not necessarily reflect the views of the editors” has
perhaps never been more appropriate.
Be warned that free speech
is the guiding principle of the Web site from which this book was born.
Contributors with very different perspectives were recruited, and humor
and debate are to be found here in abundance. About the only speech
prohibited by When Falls the Coliseum is boring speech. Many of our
readers got in on the action, and their responses to essays can also be
found in this book. A few arguments ensued, but at least no punches were
thrown. If you have no sense of humor, are easily offended, or think
certain topics should not be discussed, put this book down now. Visit the
self-help aisle instead. There’s probably something there for you. If you
disagree with or are offended by some of what you read here, good. It
means our contributors did their jobs, and made you think.
When Falls the Coliseum
is full of humor and satire, vigorous discussion, energetic short fiction,
reviews, occasional strangeness, and more loudmouthed opinions than you
can shake a big stick at, if you are the sort who shakes sticks (we gave
up the practice ourselves several years ago, along with walking softly).
Some of our writers might be defined as liberal, conservative, or
libertarian, some as Christian, Jewish, or atheist. Others don’t own
dictionaries and can’t say for sure what they are. Some are writers by
trade; some actually work for a living. Some are motivated by high
political and philosophical ideals; some just hate bad service at
restaurants and think you need to hear about it. They come from all
corners of the fruited plains, and each of them is, like everyone else in
this country, sure they’re right.
Many of the essays and
stories in this book are short. This is, after all, a journal of
American culture. So you can sneak in a quick read during the
commercial break of your favorite sitcom. We can’t promise that reading
this book will offset the side effects of that glowing box and its laugh
track calling to you from the living room, but we can promise you a
literary good time and lots of genuine laughs.
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New York magazine reviewed the online
version of When Falls the Coliseum in its Surf Report:
“Hip, sardonic … quirky …
editor Scott Stein examines droll Americana … No matter what your personal
politics, WFtheColiseum will spark a thought or two.”
—end
of New York magazine review excerpt—
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Below is an excerpt from
the review of the book When Falls the Coliseum that appeared in
Drexel University’s
student newspaper, the Triangle:
“Brought together from across the
information superhighway, the essays represent a spectrum of views
—
from atheist to Christian, libertarian to liberal. Each is handpicked for
its poignancy, and forces the reader to think, regardless of prior
convictions. The result is nothing less than engrossing. Stein himself
shines in both nonfiction and fiction … simply ingenious. If this book
does not make you furious in disagreement, shout out loud in support, and
change your mind about a topic at least once, you do not deserve to have
an opinion.”
—end
of Triangle review excerpt—
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Praise from readers:
“I enjoyed reading the
works. What a break from the norm. Keep making my mind work (along with
many others)!”
“I must commend you on your
choice to print such a fine piece of satire.”
“My 76-year-old mother
called me on a land line to be sure she got to me quickly to tell me about
your site. We live on opposite coasts ... we are generations apart ... but
I guess it’s a gene thing because I think the Coliseum is very cool, too!”
“Face it … You are wrong.”
“Very readable
articles—entertaining yet intelligent.”
“Hysterical! I loved it!
Finally I have found a writers’ forum in which there is genuine diversity
and well-constructed original writing! Wonderful work!”
“I would like to compliment you and your
contributors for setting a new and refreshing standard that is needed
badly on the Internet.”
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The table of contents:
People are Idiots
Jody Lane
And I am related to every
one of them.
The Last
Peanut
Scott
Stein
Even worse than banning them on airplanes.
Top Ten Rejected Major League Baseball
Expansion Teams
Bob Sullivan
Homeless, Not
Heartless
C.P.
Kaiser
Don’t make it easy to ignore the destitute.
That Other National
Pastime
Scott
Stein
It isn’t what you think.
The Gods Are Taking A Meeting
Ari McKee
Three cheers for polytheism.
Eyes Wide Shut? They Should
Be
Marni
Schwartz
Kubrick’s final masterpiece isn’t one.
Life Might Imitate Art, but it isn’t Worth
as Much (Just Ask
NATO)
Scott
Stein
To be or not to be … aw, just bomb the place.
Squirrel-Buggery
Kevin Bolshaw
Why there is next to no litter on the
mountain.
Churchgoing Man Kills
13
C.P. Kaiser
What some people learned in Sunday school.
Who’s Your
Daddy?
Scott Stein
I’ll have the McBroccoli with cheese.
Have Guns, Will
Travel
Bob Sullivan
The vandals never steal
the handle when you need them to.
This Is Your Brain,
Unplugged
Robert L. Hall
Turn off to turn on.
Why I Haven’t Solved World
Hunger
Andrew Turner
Oh, the humanity.
Baseball Players Deserve the
Money
Scott Stein
Got a problem with that? Stay home.
Recipe for Continuing to Collect
Unemployment
Robert O’Hara
Seventh-Inning
Stench
C.P. Kaiser
Is that odor coming from the field or the stands?
If a Tree Falls in the
Woods...
Scott
Stein
… get the hell out of the way.
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The History of Inhalation in the U.S. (As
Chronicled by Mothball Product
Labels)
Suzanne
Hakanen
Warning: May cause Saturday night fever.
Feeding the Bloodlust of the
Rabble
Eva Marie
Tremoglie
Capital punishment and our schizophrenic culture.
Headline News from the 21st
Century
Jody Lane
Y2K was only the beginning.
“Literally” Decimated, Figuratively
Speaking
Scott Stein
Now you’ve gone and made Superman angry.
The
Beeper
C.P. Kaiser
She loves that buzz.
If It Bleeds, It
Leads
Alastair MacDonald Black
A relatively innocent bystander’s report from Seattle.
Fluidity of
Thought
Scott Stein
Leaps and tangents on the arts.
We are TOO a Men’s
Magazine
Ari McKee
Keeping the “ass” in class.
Furry Doorstops and Quieter
Kids
Chuck Sheehan
Cure your barking and screeching ills.
The Spice of Life … and Death
Scott Stein
These teens had the
munchies something awful.
The Animal Network
C.P.
Kaiser
Monkeys can type Hamlet,
but can they direct it?
Fair is Better than Equal
Rev.
Angeline E.M. Theisen
If we got what we deserved...
Infidel
Scott Stein
If ignorance is bliss,
meet a very happy man.
Top Ten Easiest Jobs in the
World
Bob Sullivan
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In Hitler’s
Defense
Robert O’Hara
Political correctness is alive and well.
Recipe for Surviving Thanksgiving with Your
Mother
Suzanne Hakanen
Making
Change
Scott Stein
Brother, can you spare a quarter?
If Boys Will Be Boys, Why Can’t Girls Be
Girls?
C.P. Kaiser
If he’s a stud, why is
she a slut?
Hooked: A Journal of Addiction and
Malediction
Jeffrey Scheuer
Have a coke and a smile.
Alzheimer’s, Max and Flo
Scott Stein
A spatial love poem worth remembering.
A Choice? Maybe. But
Whose?
Jeff Podell
Abortion rights or states’ rights?
Top Ten Thoughts that Make Dogs
Smile
Bob Sullivan
40,000 Lies about the Culture of
Violence
Scott Stein
Get out your abacus.
Fatness
Alex Joseph
She will never be thin.
Everything a Really Big F**king Idiot Needs
to Know About Drugs and
Alcohol
Jody Lane
Coming soon to
a bookstore near you!
The Matrix
and the Culture of Violence
Bob Sullivan
Shiny, happy bullets.
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In the Morning, after
Breakfast
Scott Stein
What a writer should write about.
The Two
Religions
Robert L. Hall
Sight for the blind.
Gang Bang,
Anyone?
Jason Stein
Not as much fun as it sounds.
Deciphering Dot-com Ad
Speak
C.P. Kaiser
Detail-oriented, self-starter wanted.
Bruce Springsteen’s “The Ghost of Tom Joad”
and the Problem of Barbra
Streisand
Scott Stein
Born to run,
but not for office.
Who is
God?
Cassendre Xavier
Or, more correctly, who isn’t?
Shotguns and Rifles and Pistols, Oh
My!
David “Preacher” Slocum
Who needs a gun when you can dial 911?
Conspiracy
Scott Stein
The truth might be out there, but they
can’t find it.
(un)-Sound
Bytes
C.P. Kaiser
Not your standard headline news.
Scared Straight (Well,
Mostly)
Ari McKee
A proposal from the
hopelessly alert and reality-based.
Absolute
Denial
Scott Stein
I’m fairly certain it’s very unique.
The Weekly
Challenge
Rev. Angeline E. M. Theisen
Saturday night special.
Where My Marsupials At?
Robert O’Hara
A cool cat or a hot dog?
Vaginal
Ghosts
C.P. Kaiser
Let’s baptize the hell out of them.
Garghibition
Scott Stein
A tall tale from a short man.
All Hail the New
Quayle!
Bob Sullivan
Be compassionated. Vote for Bush.
Recipe for Brewing the Perfect
Liberal
David “Preacher” Slocum
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Legislators with Gonadal
Dysfunction
C.P. Kaiser
An apple a day isn’t supposed to keep
babies away.
Let Them Eat (Their Own) Cake
Scott Stein
Half-baked ideas about tax cuts.
Can’t We Wait Until His Head’s a Little
Bigger?
Ari Mckee
Modern maternity martyrdom.
Circus Crap
Ron Schorr
The smelliest show on earth.
A Talking Ass, or a Braying
Mule?
Scott Stein
Literal truth and the Torah.
Blame Game
Justice
Robert L. Hall
The genes made me do it.
Alcohol Problem? Break Out the Leeches and
the Bible
C.P. Kaiser
Try getting
your HMO to cover a change of heart.
Sheep
Alex Joseph
A unique story. A unique story.
If at First You Don’t Succeed
…
Scott Stein
Murder and attempted murder are the same
crime.
Just Another Bloody
Mess
C.P. Kaiser
Sour milk? Wilting flowers? Here’s why.
A Kill-Halloween
Party
Suzanne Hakanen
Maybe you should skip this house.
The Same River Twice
Scott Stein
A whale of a fish story.
Reach Out and Punch Someone
C.P.
Kaiser
Ring, Ring. Hello, do you have any toilet paper over
there?
Why Vote? That’s What Electors Are For
Ari McKee
Non-voters count as much as voters do.
Prideless, and Proud of
it
Scott Stein
Join the one-man march.
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Recipe for Getting to Work by Public
Transportation
Amy Boshnack
Affirmative Action: Is It Working If
I’m Not?
David “Preacher” Slocum
I had a dream.
Then I woke up.
The Mechanics of
Humility
Jody Lane
Blood is thicker than oil.
The
Temp
Jason Stein
The American way.
Recipe for Exhibition in the Museum of
Modern Art
Scott Stein
Scam the Sham and the
Pharaohs
Bob Sullivan
Someone let the
lobbyists into the penthouse.
I’m not Seeking a Husband, Just a
Well-Trained Boyfriend
Cassendre Xavier
Learning the
art of maybe.
The Politics of Star Trek: Peace on
Earth, Klingon Racism, and Bleeding-Heart Vulcans
Scott Stein
Live long and
prosper, or we’ll bust a phaser in your ass.
The Committee (a Fairy
Tale)
Jody Lane
Where there’s
smoke, there’s firing.
When Murder Becomes a
Footnote
C.P. Kaiser
When is it TIME
to applaud the Third Reich?
Blame it on Uncle
Sam
Helen Cates
In the Navy,
you can drink the seven seas.
And the Loser
is
Scott Stein
American
Beauty, the Oscars, and the oppressed suburbs.
The Confederate Flag Debate in South
Carolina: Heritage
or
Hate?
David “Preacher” Slocum
Should any
group have a monopoly on the past?
Top Ten Signs Your Favorite Presidential
Candidate Is on Drugs
Bob Sullivan
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Getting Laid was Never so
Easy
C.P. Kaiser
Some
suggestions from a grammar slut.
Kangaroo Court
Scott
Stein
A wild tail.
Keeping the Sex in Sexual Harassment
Helen
Cates
Some people like the attention.
I Passed on Passover, but Happy
Easter
Scott Stein
Forget the
locust and frogs ... beware the wrath of mothers.
One Word:
Responsibility
Robert L. Hall
Just say no.
Really.
Enough Male
Bashing
C.P. Kaiser
Another shot
won’t help this sot.
A Second
Chance
Scott Stein
The heroics of
Roberto the Clown.
Supreme Being, Your Party is Waiting for
You in Baggage Claim
Ari McKee
A mixed
marriage.
Taxed to the
Max
Jason Stein
Do I get to keep any of my money?
Recipe for Holiday
Peace
Jody Lane
To Email or not to
E-mail
C.P. Kaiser and Scott Stein
What would
Shakespeare do?
Help for the Reluctantly Human
Ari McKee
Homo Sapiens are animals too.
The Empty Bed
Helen
Cates
Dirty hands, priced to sell.
Keep (All) Your Laws Off My Body
Scott
Stein
Listen to the bumper sticker.
Screw Who You Want, But Shoot Who We Tell
You
David “Preacher” Slocum
The problem
with don’t ask, don’t tell.
Six Innings of
Freedom
Robert O’Hara
Sometimes it’s more than a game.
Why Do Gay Men Have Such Small Dogs and
Lesbians, Large Ones?
Cassendre
Xavier
You are what you walk.
Ask Marilyn about the Big Bang and the
Difference between Faith and
Science
Scott Stein
We’re not in
Kansas anymore.
Acting Assistant Executive Associate
Manager
Suzanne Hakanen
The Kroc of meaningless titles.
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Making the Most of Your Take-Home
Pay
Bob Sullivan
What to do
with the surplus.
Boos for the
Boss?
Scott Stein
No, they’re
saying Brooooooce!
America’s
Sport
Jared Boshnack
Baseball,
football, or basketball?
I Thank God the Tornado Didn’t Suck Me
Up... Too Bad About My Neighbors, Though
C.P. Kaiser
What students should really be praying
for.
An Open Letter to the Dirty Bastard Who
Stole My Car
Scott Stein
1989 –
2000 R.I.P.
In Praise of Short Men
Ari McKee
Costanza!
Costanza! Oh, baby!
If I had Balls, I’d be Licking Them
Willie,
for C.P. Kaiser
A dog’s work is never
done.
The Stacker
Scott Stein
He was the
greatest ever.
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About the editor:
Read Scott Stein’s
bio on his home page.
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